Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Someone To Call Me Mommy

"He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD."  Psalm 113:9 (KJV)

I stood in the toy aisle of a local department store, trying to find something appropriate for my two nephews' birthdays which were coming up....only two days apart.  As I looked, I noticed a little boy out of the corner of my eye, standing near me.  He couldn't have been over three or four years old.  

He wasn't really paying attention to what was going on around him...so intent was he on looking at the toys in front of him.  After a period of time, he picked up a toy and looked up at me with hopeful, pleading eyes and said, "Mommy!"  As I turned to look down at him, instant visible disappointment washed over his little face and quickly replaced the anticipation from only seconds before.  As soon as he realized I wasn't his mommy, he ran off to look for her....this abundantly blessed woman who had the sweet privilege of hearing his little voice address her with the title I so longed for.

I stood there....stunned.  

My heart was shattered.  

It took a few minutes to recover from his disappointed expression that, completely unbeknownst to him, had shot daggers of hurt into my inmost soul.  

How I longed to hear it!  To be someone's Mommy.

Would I ever hear that word coming from the mouth of my own child?  Would that joy, oh, that blissful joy, ever be mine?  How often I thought about it...dreamed of what our baby would look like....if only it were possible.  If only there was a way...some miracle that God would send to fill this empty hole inside of me.

I had been to at least four doctors...including a well-known fertility specialist.  I'll never forget the day he diagnosed the problem, and drove an arrow through my heart, when he confirmed that the problem was....well, me.  My condition was such that it would be very difficult, maybe completely impossible, for me to ever conceive the baby my heart yearned for.

Finally, the last doctor I went to decided the best thing to do was to just try to improve my physical condition to the point that I could at least feel well.  After another round of blood work and testing, she let me know that even with fertility drugs, I would more than likely be childless, and she spoke of methods of treatment to give me relief from the symptoms I had become so used to tolerating.

I'm glad she didn't have the final word.

I'm grateful Kevin and I have faith in God.

I'm thankful there is a Higher Power, Who is able to do "exceeding abundantly above all that we can ask or think..."  Ephesians 3:20 (KJV)

How blessed we are that His Sovereign power trumps that of  modern medicine!

Sometimes the winding path He leads us down seems unending, and we feel our faith is in vain.
I'm not going to say there weren't moments I questioned His will and asked Him why.  I won't deny the insecurity I felt, and my feelings of worthlessness as a woman.  But, we held on to our faith and our dream and we determined to follow God's plan and trust His wisdom.  In due time, God sent us the baby we so longed for.   

Looking back with that 20/20 hindsight, God's timing couldn't have been more perfect.

He saw things that we did not see.  He had a plan all along to give us a child of our own, but we had to be willing to submit it all to Him and allow Him to do things His way and in His time.  When the time was absolutely right, He did what neither we, nor doctors could do.

I find it interesting to study the lives of those in the Bible who were born to previously-barren mothers.

Sarah was barren for almost all of her life, but God gave her the gift of Isaac at a very old age.  He grew up to become the father of Jacob, whose name God later changed to Israel....that change of name was the beginning of the nation that still bears his name.

Rachel was barren and unable to conceive.  In due time, God gave her a son, whom she named Joseph.  As a grown man, God used him mightily to preserve the lives of His chosen people, the Israelites.

Hannah was barren and prayed earnestly to God in the presence of Eli, the high priest, for a child of her very own.  God granted her request, and she gave birth to Samuel who grew up to become a great prophet.

Elizabeth was barren, and God sent a son to her after the time of her childbearing years.  He grew up to be John the Baptist, the forerunner of Jesus Christ.

I often wonder what wonderful plans God has for Zachary.  His conception defied medical understanding.  His life was spared through many perils in the womb, and God graciously allowed him to be born full-term and healthy.

I have never gotten over the wonder of hearing his sweet voice say, "Mommy!", our eyes meeting, and the realization that he doesn't look disappointed....he doesn't run off to seek for someone else...no, oh, joy of joys and how blessed I am!  He is talking to....me.






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