"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)
I know there are many stages to grief.
Today, I did some research and found the following stages listed on Recover-from-grief.com.
Shock and Denial
Pain and Guilt
Anger and Bargaining
Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness
The Upward Turn
Reconstruction and Working Through
Acceptance and Hope
I also know that just because I have walked through one of the stages once does not mean I will not end up revisiting it and walking through it again.
Sometimes, it feels like I am going around in circles.
Sometimes, I feel like I am in at least two of the stages, maybe three, at one time.
These stages definitely do not happen in chronological order.
One minute, I feel strong and capable and accepting....
of the fact that God took my precious Mother, and that He absolutely did what was best...for her.
I never doubt that fact.
What could be better than Heaven?
Mom is the absolute winner and victor, and I couldn't be any happier for her.
To know that she is eternally with Jesus, fills my heart with deep comfort.
The next minute, I am missing her....so much it hurts.
I want to talk to her.
I want to go see her.
I know this cannot happen.
And I plummet, headlong, back into the pit of denial, pain, and depression...all at the same time.
The other day, I was praying...crying out to God.
I told Him I know there are many stages to grief.
That each stage is necessary...for the soul to heal properly.
I asked Him if He could somehow speed up this process...for me.
If He could only help me make it through this darkness....faster than normal.
Then, I talked to my dear sister, Sandi, and I think through her God gave me my answer.
She has a stress-fracture in her foot.
She got it while stepping off the plane on her way to Mom's funeral.
The doctor told her that it was important that the bone heal properly.
Otherwise, she could end up having to have surgery.
It is necessary to keep it bound up and closed in and safe from future injury.
Her words hit a nerve...deep inside.
I am wanting out of this pain.
I am wanting to see a brighter day.
I don't want to hurt....to grieve....to be so sad.
I don't want to stay in this dark, lonely, tormented place.
But, these stages....designed by our wonderful Creator....are all necessary.
He knows the depths of this wound.
He knows that a wound this deep will take time....to heal.
If I rush the process, the layers of healing will not properly take place.
If it is rushed, the damage will not mend properly.
There will be repercussions later.
Each stage...of this process...is vital...and necessary.
No one likes to hurt...and grieve.
But, God has designed a plan for complete and total healing and recovery.
It can't be hurried.
Every individual reacts differently.
It is not for me to tell someone else how long to grieve and when it is time to get on with life.
I do not feel their pain.
We each need ample time, space, and understanding...to allow God's healing hand to complete the process.
It reminds me of a poem I wrote, called
"I Picked A Rosebud"
I picked a rosebud yesterday,
I trimmed its stem with care;
And, as I placed it in a vase,
Surveyed its beauty rare.
Each time I passed the shelf where I,
Had placed it in my room;
I looked it over, hoping it,
Had blossomed to full bloom.
But, every time I passed its way,
It always looked the same;
The little rosebud I had picked,
A tiny bud remained.
It needs my help, I know it does!
I said beneath my breath;
I pulled apart its petals frail,
So certain of myself.
But, as I finished, I could see,
It was a grave mistake;
For in my haste to see it bloom,
Its life I took away!
I learned a lesson yesterday,
From this, my tiny rose;
God has a plan for each of us,
And, timing all His Own.
We would do well to wait for Him,
To let His plan unfold;
To realize He needs no help,
In making flowers grow.
(Copywritten by Cheryl E. Smith)
"So, dear Lord, help me wait upon You...as today's passage says.
Help me know that if I do that, I will renew my strength.
And I will heal....properly.
Help me realize and remember that these sad, lonely, depressing, long days are not without purpose.
That there is a process going on.
Not unfamiliar to the eagle.
When its feathers are being renewed and changed.
When the process is complete, it mounts up and soars...high into the sky...right into the eye of storms...where it is peaceful and calm.
Help me to relax in Your arms, knowing that one day, when the healing process is complete, when You have walked with me through every necessary stage, I, too, will come forth and mount up with wings. I look forward to that moment...of jubilant victory...when I rise from the ashes of despair...and soar once more.
In Jesus' Name,